This post is largely directed towards my former guild the Mages, as well
as the citizens of Kinsarmar, my prior home.

I must tell you all a story. A story that has taken a year to transpire
in its entirety. A story that still, seems a bit muddled and confused to
myself. I would not speak of it before, but the reason for my silence
has come forth and admitted it openly to you, so I feel I must offer an
explanation.

Many of you, who know me, know me to be a generally happy and
well-rounded person. It is uncommon to find me depressed, angry, or
upset. However, about a year ago, that seemed to be my normal state of
mood. I was unhappy with where I stood. I was beginning to get notions
of hostility in my direction. I felt useless, trapped, and old.

I later learned that it was because of this, that the following events
transpired. My anger, my self-loathing, my depression, were all
catalysts. My body reacted negatively to the foreign emotions. It
developed a self-defence mechanism to save me from this destructive
path. I developed an aversion, an allergy if you will, to that which was
making me so upset. I became, for lack of a better description, Allergic
to Magick.

But it was small. Obviously, the body is not equipped to make itself ill
to the point of death, for that would be counterproductive. But I was
weakened, severely, and I did not realize it. It was then I caught a
cold. It was small at first, no more than a sneeze. But I was on the
brink of something bigger, and I did not realize it.

Thalec the Lich had chosen this time to enter into my life. During a
brief absence from the realms, he took the liberty of stealing the
Amethyst from my guildhall. But I was away, and unaffected. Upon my
return, however, he began to make frequent appearances in Kinsarmar. He
also started to send me visions. This triggered, what I later learned,
some sort of primitive response in my system. My allergy, as it were,
flared up in voracious quantities. I found it difficult to breathe,
difficult to perform any Magick at all. I was completely oblivious to
the worsening situation, and to the cause.

It was then, I suffered the first of many serious setbacks. I learned,
though accident that my own father was involved with Thalec the Lich. He
had spoken with the Lich on several occasions before I found out, and
had agreed to render assistance to this filthy member of the horde.
Naturally I was horrified. My own father, betraying my guild, and me. I
couldn�t speak to him any more. But too, I held my tongue. My love for
my father runs deep, deeper than I can guess. I reasoned with myself
that my dad hadn�t actually done anything detrimental. He had just
spoken. And what were words? No harm had come. I would not need to hand
my father over to my authorities.

But my health took a spiraling decent into oblivion.

I could hardly walk, my cough had gotten worse. People started to
notice, and many attempted to assist me in my condition. None of their
remedies worked, and those that did only resulted in a relapse shortly
after. I was completely unaware of the cause of my situation, though
some of my closest friends and companions began to guess correctly.
Unfortunately for me, so too did Thalec guess.

It was then another blow came. 4 gems from my guildhall were stolen.
After questioning the Lich, it would appear that he was not in the
possession of said gems, nor did he steal them. I knew in my heart, who
had done it. This was my father�s task. This is what he was sent to do.
I knew he stole them. I knew it as much as I can feel the blood of my
lamiran ancestors flowing through my veins. This was truth.

And yet, I said nothing. Why? Because I was faced with a choice. I could
choose the love of my father, or the loyalty to my guild, and city.

I chose to love.

I cannot undo my choice. I wouldn�t if I had the option to. Some times I
think it would have been so much easier to tell everyone everything, but
I didn�t.

And so, events unfolded. Thalec toyed with my illness, getting perverse
pleasure in using my own Magicks to make me ill. My dad watched on,
unable to help me, for I would not allow him near. Despite my love, I
could not bear the betrayal he had dealt me.

Eventually, after I realized that Thalec�s plans involved potentially
killing my father, I broke down the barriers between myself and my dad,
speaking to him after what was several months of stony silence. I was
never in a worse state. I coughed up blood, wheezed when I breathed; I
couldn�t perform the simplest Magicks without a serious toll on my body.
My dad had learned from Thalec what my illness was. He also learned that
it was Thalec himself who had triggered it. He had created a potion from
his own knowledge and experience, which was meant to relieve the
symptoms. I took it, and was healthy for 3 months.

Then, Thalec again, stepped into my realm of existence. This time,
however, I was armed. Armed with the forgiveness of my dad, armed with
the support of a Friend, and armed with the knowledge that this was
going to stop. Thalec was going to stop attacking. I was going to stop
being sick. This would be accomplished, no matter what. It had to. I
could take it no more.

Now, thanks to the kindness of Lord Janus, my cold is cured,
permanently. My allergy, however, remains. Again, thanks to Lord Janus,
the threat of the Lich has passed, so I am not plagued by my cough, and
my other numerous symptoms.

But I had to leave. I had to leave my guild and my city. I betrayed you
with my silence. I did it only for the love of my father. But I had to.
It was a choice I made. I do not regret it.

I too, must leave, because I will die if I stay among you for any
longer. What I am, what I practice, is slowly killing me. My allergy
will never leave me, I fear. I have overcome most of the obstacles, but
no amount of medication, no amount of divine power, or even love, can
save me from this affliction. I suspect I will have it until the day I
no longer walk the halls of the living.

I hope you understand my choice. I hope you understand what events lead
up to this point. I cannot change it.

My only wish is for you to forgive me. Sometime. It doesn�t have to be
soon. But please. I hope you will reach the point where you find my
actions the only plausible course for one to take.

Some good-byes I feel I have to make;

Milanthor: I am so sorry. Sorrier than you know. I longed to work under
you, to support you fully as your Erege. I had little opportunity to
prove myself adept, worthy of your leadership, but know that it is pain
past endurance to see you hate me so. I am so sorry, from the depths of
my soul.

Olivet: I love you, so much. You�ve been one of my best friends, loyal
and true. Please, one day, I hope you find it in you to forgive me. Lead
on well. And, make the Festival of Seasons a hit. I will always hold
that project dear. You are one of the most skilled and capable leaders I
know. I wish you all the best. I�m so sorry.

Peora: I know you see eye to eye with me on this, and I�m always glad
for your staunch friendship, and unwavering ability to see past my
mistakes and choices, and accept me for who I am. I love you.

Ashel: It is my wish that you lead in my stead. I know it is up to the
citizens of Kinsarmar, but I have always viewed you as capable and able.
I wish you luck.

Laia: We�ve had good times, and horrible times. But I think through it
all, you�ve always understood me, and I�ve always understood you. Lead
well.

Kagura: I love you dear daughter. Become a mage. Make me proud.

Lord Janus: Your concern and aide has been invaluable. I rest easier
knowing You watch over. Thank you for giving me back my hope.

Araondor, Sulimo, Ethelbert, Wren, Leighanna, Hirtur, Elamar, Wysrias,
Ckeldoran, Shiln, Asuka, Doxedon, Nyneve, Dylan, and countless more of
my friends, citizens, and guildmates... I�m sorry. I�m so sorry.

I seek now only to find peace and healing.

Walk forward, never falter. Know that if you slip, you will only fall
back a half step, never a full step. For this is our nature. Strive
forth, achieve much, and love more.

You will always be in my heart,

Loxley Rhuidean-Cerriduen




Penned by my hand on the 25th of Naturalis, in the year 440 AD.